I was asked to talk about bullying from the book Esther. I’m going to consider bullying from Esther 1. I call it “Vashti won’t”.
(Some theologians say that the king wanted Vashti to appear wearing [only] the royal crown.)
1. Bullies want to look bigger
This is a wonderful story that helps is to understand the dynamics of bullies. Bullies are small people who want to make themselves look bigger.
The whole festival is designed to show how big Ahasuerus is. Everything is extravagant, superlative. This is a king bent on showing off all his riches and power. Fine linens, silver rings, marble pillars, couches of gold and silver, precious flooring, different kinds of golden goblets. And, of course, wine flowing abundantly.
Then, on day seven of this drunken revelry, the men being properly intoxicated, the king sent for queen Vashti. Vashti’s role here is the same as that of the linens and couches and goblets. She is supposed to make the king look good, make him look big and important.
And in the process, typical of bullies, Vashti is deprived of her humanity and dignity. She is not regarded as worthy in herself, but as an object, a thing to show how important he is.
This is typical bully dynamics.
2. Bullies are scared
The second thing this story shows, is that bullies are scared.
Because look how ridiculous Ahasuerus is in this story. When Vashti refuses to comply with his ridiculous request, he is completely flabbergasted. He becomes enraged with burning anger – and asks his advisors what he is supposed to do now. With his wife who doesn’t want to do as he says.
And as if the whole business is not already absurd enough now, his advisers respond by saying that she has not only done wrong to the king, but against all men! They must not let the other women realize that such a thing is possible, because soon all the women will do what they want.
Again, you see typical bully dynamics. Bullies are scared! Scared that they will lose power. That people will see how small and powerless and scared they actually are. So they fire the first shot. A canon shot, to make a big smoke screen, so that no-one can see how small and scared they really are.
3. Bullying is systemic
Another interesting dynamic visible in this story, is that Ahasuerus is not alone. He has a whole system behind him. The whole story is not just between him and Vashti. It soon becomes the story of all men against all women.
As is often the case with bullying. Bullying is often systemic.
Racism and sexism are good examples, of a system maintained by all, not just one individual bully. But you see the same dynamic in, for example, toxic workplaces.
We are seeing this worldwide, where bully-politics are used more and more, and people elect bullies as leaders. You will often hear people say: you can say what you want about him, but at least he’s not scared to say what he thinks. You must assume, then, that the leader is saying what these people are also thinking but are just to scared to say.
So the system – the people – uses bullies to keep the system going.
4. We are all bullies
Now it is important to remember – and acknowledge – that we are all, sometimes, bullies. Perhaps you weren’t the one who stole the smaller kids’ backpacks at school. Yet we all have the potential to simultaneously be the victim in one place, while being the bully somewhere else. As individuals, but also systemic.
Once again, racism is a good example. But perhaps you bully your younger brother or sister. Or you get so angry on social media, that you start bullying. You might share a meme that you find funny – which is funny precisely because it mocks someone. And in the process, you become a bully. Or perhaps your car is your soapbox, where you make videos intended to show everyone how clever knowledgeable you are – while you are actually just busy being a bully.
We must always be careful not to become bullies in our attempts to resist bullies.
Remember, bullies seldom think of themselves as bullies! Ahasuerus doesn’t think that he is a bully! He is a victim! Poor him, the victim of Vashti’s refusal to comply to his reasonable request. Where she was supposed to make him look big and important, she makes him look small and powerless.
5. Who actually has the power?
Which begs the next question: where exactly is the power?
By not giving in to the bully’s demands, Vashti is exposing exactly how powerless the bully actually is.
Her punishment is exactly what she chose from the beginning – namely not to appear before the king. So her punishment is the thing she wanted! But the bullies act as though it is something they did to her, so that they can – you see! – look big and important.
Vashti reminds us to ask, in any situation: Who really has the power? She shows us that it is possible to refuse to play according to the bully’s terms.
6. Transactional Analysis
There is one way you can respond when you are being bullied. It doesn’t always work, of course. It is based on really old psychology. Plus, I am not a psychologist! If you are being bullied, it might help you to see a psychologist who can properly empower you with tools such as this. But it has helped me so much in situations where I’ve had to deal with bullies, that I want to quickly give an introduction. You can research it some more if you think it might help you.
This technique is called “transactional analysis”. Transactional analysis states that we have three ego’s – let’s say three ways of behaving:
- Parent (either critical or nurturing). The parent is controlling, criticizes, commands, finds fault, scolds, speaks in absolutes. It is not always a bad thing. The parent will, for example, say “don’t talk to strangers, look both ways before crossing the road.”
- Adult (thinking). The adult asks questions, cooperates, values, non-threatening, problem-solving, explains. “We can’t always trust others, so it is better not to talk to strangers; Do you see how the traffic comes from both sides? That’s why it’s important to look both ways before crossing the road.”
- Child (emotional). Obedient, cry, screams, scared, helpless, rebellious, powerless.
Where this whole thing becomes relevant, is when two people communicate with each other. What often happens, is that the bully speaks from their parent-ego. You then automatically respond from you child-ego, or your own parent-ego, which just escalates the whole thing.
Transactional analysis says that you need to take a step back. Almost like Jesus did when they brought him a woman caught in adultery (John 8). Jesus literally stepped out of the situation, bent down and wrote on the ground. So you need to take a step back in your mind, not go into your automatic child-reaction or parent-reaction, but the adult one. If someone says something, you step back in your mind and consider: from which ego are they speaking? On which level is my gut responding? How can I respond from my adult? By responding from your adult, you are forcing the other person to also respond from their adult.
You can do this by, for example, asking questions, calmly stating facts or asking the other person for their opinion.
I suggest you spend some time looking at John 8, at the story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery. The crowd is trying, of course, to bully the woman, but also Jesus. Prayerfully think and consider Jesus’ actions.
My prayer is that we will have compassion with one another, also with the bullies, so that we can all live a life free from fear, in a world safe for all people.
Here is the full (Afrikaans) service (sermon from 22:00):
Selected Bibliography
Masenya (ngwana’ Mphahlele), Madipoane. “Their Hermeneutics was Strange! Ours is a Necessity! Rereading Vashti as African-South African Women.” Pages 179-194 in Her Master’s Tools? Feminist and Postcolonial Engagements of Historical-Critical Discourse. Edited by C. Vander Stichele and T. Penner. Global Perspectives on Biblical Scholarship 9. Atlanta: Society of Biblical Literature, 2005.
Nadar, S.. “Gender, power, sexuality and suffering bodies in the Book of Esther : reading the characters of Esther and Vashti for the purpose of social transformation.” Old Testament essays 15 (2002): 113-130.
Sharp, C. J. (2009). Irony and meaning in the Hebrew Bible. Bloomington, Indiana University Press.
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